Walking with wolves

 Under the big sky

A brightness shines in his eyes

I see it

He is alive wild free

He is one of us

The brave 

That seek out something else

And he sees me

The magic that is creating an on-the-spot play with all the kids 

costumes that fall and lines that are forgotten 

Laughter and giddiness 

And pride

I just met him and I know

I want to drink

To catch a bit of pollen dust off his shoulders

I am drawn 

I want to soak in this scent 

of freedom I miss

While my lil one curls in my arms bundled up

While my son keeps asking 

everything 

and my girl bumps me 

with her sharp elbows

I gather dew drops

Nectar stories bits and memories

He ran with the dogs that one morning

Ecstatic

Chasing the ongoing four-legged cow herd together

My thirsty soul sings

No more rides in the middle of the night? I'll climb the mountain

Images and owls

Pictures and thoughts

We talk and laugh and drink as the bustling table of a family table rumbles on

I want just to smile and listen in our hidden treehouse of stories and truths

But I also feel the elbows the questions the cold  the man which is two chairs to the right and feels like a stranger these days though we share so much..

In my mind the story continues

I want to write all that will not happen

I am old enough to know

That he is not all magic and adventure

Like my man is not all grumpiness and aches

And yet

That aliveness

He knows about the walking

What it does to you

How one could just walk out with nothing

Just walk out 

and meet the world

BatShit

 

There is all this crazy inside me

All this fuckin courage and confidence

When I dance it comes out

When Im on stage

How about them dayz

Just the regular back and forth

I WANT SOME OF THE CRAZY OUT THERE TOO! 

WHY NOT?!!

no reason. 

Do it.

What I really truly need

 Sometimes I really truly extremely want

a time machine.

Not a flashy one.

A low-budget non-brand you might find in the misc aisle at the supermarket.

One that goes 20 min back, maybe 30 min.

No need to go back to my jolly twenties 

or to fix some big wrong from decades or hundreds of years ago.

(Though frankly if I had to choose 

the first that comes to mind is British Imperialists 

ok, all White Imperialists 

and the wreckage they created in my beloved Africa 

and throughout the beautifully “uncivilized” world… 

blaaahhh disgusting behavior).

It is rather those small things -

In which I really wish I had a button

I imagine it to be a bright blue on the turquoise end of the scale. 

Not too bulky in my handbag or pocket.

And then I just press it and

Whooomp (low-budget sound effect) 

I go back and deliver my comeback line in perfect timing. 

Yeah. 

Take that someone-who-just-told-me-something-snarky

         and left me stunned and tongue-tied... 

Smash! 

Touchdown!

Score! 

Kaaaaaboom! 

Nailed it! Haha!

Or sometimes it’s just some stranger that could have used a hand in a sticky situation

and only after did I realize what exactly I could have done.

That mom at the quiet cafe with the fussy baby 

losing her shit

I offered help 

but truly I should have said - 

"Go calm him outside 

take your time

I’ll ask them to pack up your food and bring it to you". 

Will she even go out to a cafe again?

Or that man that asked for money for the upcoming Eid 

and I refused 

felt he was bluffing...

Or that time

      Hah so many times 

I blew up at my innocent kids cause something

 (or some man, which is their other parent) made me stressed or mad

Or those other times when I didn't speak up when something hurt me.

I really truly wish I did - 

quietly and straight from the belly 

before it sank inside me and started festering...

Like when I come back so fuckin glorious, happy, and sweaty from a morning run

 all dancing in the kitchen to find a grumpy face that shuts me down.

Like when my mother didn’t completely listen.

Like when that man on the bus who seemed just friendly and wholesome thought it was cool to tell me about his sexcapades on a bus full of people.

Like all those times strange men took advantage of my open smile 

and my even more open heart.

I sometimes really truly extremely need

the ability to press that light blue button and find my voice

 that is buried under so many fucking layers 

to speak up my truth

To act as my heart knows

To protect my soul.

So please good people

If you see a low-budget time machine

As you wander 

beyond the pasta and the pickles

Be an angel

Let me know

As she swims

 She jumped out the window

Trusting the wind

Trusting the soil

They are magic 

They grow

they move from within

Without listening to critics

She believed in birds

In their movement

In the leaves, their ability to change

And fuckin let go

She believed that one day she will be seen

One day she will belong 

To herself as she is as she swims through the air so thick with emotions that are not hers

Then other mornings it is plastic

All the truths hide

All the fairies turned to stone

All the leaves are a nuisance to be swept again and again and again and

What 

Why

Who

Remind me again

On those days she takes off her rings

She cuts her hair

She drinks to be numb

To not be lonely

To be creative

She might draw

She might bake 

Anything to distract from the guilt

Of being useless

Of being lost

fairies come back

leaves show your tricks

I am getting older

and this believing is getting tougher

but I hold on

when I

As we rode away from the cabin
big sadness found its way inside me
all the giddiness of the route
 out into

the fields
why is the way back so sad?

Yes it might be the end of vacation kinda down
but it felt like so much more

the wilderness
the wildness
speaks to me
nourishes me
feeds my soul

without the wildness
something inside is left hungry or just dormant
and I..

want
need the wild

the earth
the quiet
all these light and noises even though where Im living is considered green it just does not feed my soul

no words or arguments could explain this
not really

my body knows
my soul breathes
when I touch the wild

thirty ate

I am thirty-eight years old
I am thirty-eight years old today

I am eating tuna salad on a rice cake cause we don't do the gluten shit no more
I am a full-time mama
I am counting the hours till the end of this birthday

I am freaking out here
that my life seems to be closing in on halftime
and I am just still this kid trying to figure out how it all works and I am scared
of not
doing
all the things I thought I would do
cause life is wooooooshing by
and there is still so much for me to say and do and fly
and the daily humdrum is just taking up so much of my precious time and the days just blend to one another like a pancake batter all a blur

and I don't want to think so much
and I don't want to be afraid
and I want to walk barefoot
and I want to be colorful but I also just want to wear plain clothes and not worry about it

and I want to be the change
and I want to hide in nowhere land and grow veggies and goats and chickens and my children
my beautiful children
I think that's the best part so far
cause they are just magnificent
sparkly beings that I get to spend time with
and yes they are a midget sized royal king and queen that constantly NEED
and yet
and yet they are magic

I know I know
I have plenty of years to do stuff
I just suddenly feel that they might pass me by without me actually truly living them

Shake it up baby

In the car alone
With a vanilla milkshake
At home I am NEVER alone
And I feel the need to break
Things

Frustration overflowing
And then my boy comes walking
And I dont wanna frighten the lil guy
Like my mama with her slammed-door- anger so I try
To calmly kinda smile
Volcano inside
You want some rice on the side?


A Woman and a Mama
How I wanted to be a mama
But didnt realize how much I was gonna

Disappear

Im still here inside
The one that chose this specific ride
I dont want a refund or a ticket back
Just alot

more space on the road

To dance
Or explode

Thankyou world
for me sitting in the sun painting a drawer in blues and greens while the crazy birds tweet funky tunes while my baby daughter sleeps in her hammock while my boy walks the forest.

Mama's New Look

I found the scissors!
Ok
Now in front of the mirror
Look and stay
And SNAP
She is on my back
I bounce
OH
what a dunce!
I cut too much
now it's a weird
homemade sluntch..

I imagine
They might laugh a bit
pat my shoulder
And I'll explain this shit
happened as she was on my back
Like that and whack......

But then
No one said a verse
And thats worse

And so I disappear..



You know those nightmares where you're naked and everyone laughs and points ..

Now in my late thirties
The same dream just worse

Nobody points

It happened before..

Maybe if  I write it here
it will happen

unlike other projects
that shined so bright and
     faded in the daily humdrum

it came in the early morn
as I breastfeed my everhungry lil tiny one

I will create a small book of the stories I tell Naveh
with lil drawings too

Give it to him for his 3yr old birthday.

This is just so I will also have a reachable goal
a face awaiting

a chance for creation from within..
How I want this
as my new self emerges

amidst all that is happening as it is..

soul-o

on the road
alone in the car
on the way to a weekend of pure dancing
watching the desert view from the window
I can suddenly truly think about it
I live in Mitzpe Ramon now
hmmm
go figure

And there
on my own
I roam
(didn't do that in a while.. that kind of aimless wander..
everything has been sooo mindful, oriented, mission-based, well..)

Here (after finding an amulet of creation)
I see pure joy
in African music
in symbols of truth
trust and ease between strangers
good warm food

I want to create
I was born to create
not just to survive
not just to fulfill needs
of the house
of my sweet boychild

I was born to create

thoughts on Death and Dying

Each of us is born with

A spirit

Sacred name

Clan or nation

Gifts or talents

Destiny in which we will face many challenges

Four stages in the journey of the human spirit

Birth

Life

Death

Afterlife

I would like to talk with my family about death mine and theirs.

I want it to be present as a possibility – known and spoken

Sure its scary but it should also not hit us as a complete surprise – it is a reality anytime anywhere

I would like the knowledge to be out in the open

     not locked away shoved in a back drawer of the mind...

I can embrace life and loved ones knowing our time is inevitably limited.

Enjoying truly what is. Now.

Pancake panic

I'm so into have to's
I wonder what to do now that I have some free time on my own
how do I maximize it?

Whats the very very extremely best thing I could do with this precious thing?
So..
I've fulfilled one craving already -
Salty Bulgarit Pancake
Yummmmmmmmmmmm

Now what?
Go home
Go to Haifa
Stay at parents house and watch dumb TV
?

I had a stressing test this morning and I think I did ok
So I wanna celebrate
loosen up
relax before I get back to my own personal humdrum
Order an Ice cream before I go?

ahhh
the grand dilemmas of life..

She-lizard

So on my bed
a she-lizard

at first I cry out
Look!
and I'm sure she'll be gone in a moment
But the moment extends and it seems like she feels fine just here
and I can breastfeed my beautiful boy
while quietly
watching her movement
small
slow
twists of the head
arms extended

These last 6 weeks I've been watching the wonder that is
my child
Have I ever spent so much time looking at one thing?

sick trick

through my muffled brain
some things that eluded me before become clear
the small quirks of light sickness..

It's been quite a while now since I've thought as a singular entity
what do I want? is camouflaged by what would be most beneficial now.. easiest for everyone
and by everyone its mostly family..

Sure. I'm married a mother so this is to be expected
and yet
there is a phase that is missing
I would like first to figure what I want
THEN make adjustments if needed

I need an inside place that is still all mine
my own

and If you know me even a bit the usual - "that's the way it is now"
will not be accepted

Time Crime

I am wasting my time

That is what I'm doing now

Why is that such an offence?

And against who?

When is it that time is used in a wonderful efficient way?

Tasks - check check

Working – oh I’m so busy! Phonecalls phonecalls I'm important I'm swamped

OH you wouldn’t believe how hard I worked today

Check check check just 23 more things on the todo list!

Oh yes the fulfilled life is exhilarating

Doing doing doing from breakfast (who has time!) till late night shlumping on the bed

Nope not for this here girlie

She be home

She be doin not’in

And trying truly trying

To find the place within her

That feels completely at peace

With not accomplishing

Try this

–         “So tell me dearest, what did you do today?”

–         “Well today, you see today, today –

I DID NOTHING”

 –      “oh. Are you ill dear?!”

–         “Noooooothiiiinggg I wanna do nothiiiiiiiing

I wanna BE and not to DO

I want to be free

Without the guil-ty

How come there’s no movie

Praising the non-doing life

(vacation does not count because it is a solidifier of the doing life – you wanna do nothing? go on vacation! Then bring your ass back here and work work work soldier! You want to eat don’t you? And send you’re future-not-yet-existing-kids to college right? So don’t slack for a minute!.... lalalalalife goes on)”

–         “oh.”

I am in the last few days
bidding farewell to my long hair.
yes

I have been going through life changing events
like Giving Birth
Motherhood
Creating a home

but this drove me to write
those big ones are so vast
I can't actually put it down in words
don't truly think I grasped it yet..

But small revelations
that I can write

Soo.. my hair
It is as long as its ever been
or surely in the last two decades of my life
and I feel growing the need to go back to short-short

and this realization
brings with it new love
new appreciation
for these spaghetti strings
that hang about with no actual contribution
to all the various tasks at hand..

there is just this need again
to be simple
direct
and bare
honest
inside out

I C

So this is the thing
we gotta be crazy

yes

crazy

we are afraid
afraid to be weird
to be looked at
out of line

fear decides our next step

keep SAFE
look around take cues
don't offend
don't step out
don't shout out
don't speak truth

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!

your rules suck
your politness is meaningless
I fart in your general direction
I feel your pain
I see your boredom

I see what you are really inside
and it is so much
MORE

flying lessons

Driving
hear this buzzz
 it's a fly a common fly thats been in the car for maybe a very long time I feel his distress I sense my annoyness at the constant bzz and I open both front windows wiiiiiiide open

 - "Here you go buddy you're free now fly like a bird or a fly or a dragonfly.."
 - "Bzzzzzzzzz"

 He keeps circling on the front window
He sees the open horizon as I zoom through the endless Kfar Yasif and he yearns to be back out there with the wonders of the world all those exciting garbage piles and stenching possibilities out in the wild
so he keeps smashing his multi eyes at the front screen of the tumbling vehicle not at all realising he got such wiiiiiide exits just to the left n the right

 - "Come on minimal brain with wings move your miniscule butt to the vertical and free yourself from this confinement"
 - "Bzz..bzzzzazzzzz"

 I start to wonder this creature small and simple yet surely with some survival skills
 and yet so dumbfounded at this very embarassing crisis.. do I also do this? Do we also do this?
 Keep on knocking hopefuly on a nonopenable door expecting matters to change if we persist if we try harder.. when in fact just a few cm to the horizantal would set us free

 Is it that simple ?
 Sometimes it might be

So lost in thought was I that I missed his moment of victory
was it chance or an AHAA moment?

 I will never know

bellydance

Why am I here writing?

I should be out in the world

DANCING

shit


Sometimes just sometimes
I wanna be a woman
and
not
a
big belly

I love him truly
(unborn and already wonderful)


but
what
about

me?!!?

fuck it Purim I dance
and you better be ready lil guy