thirty ate

I am thirty-eight years old
I am thirty-eight years old today

I am eating tuna salad on a rice cake cause we don't do the gluten shit no more
I am a full-time mama
I am counting the hours till the end of this birthday

I am freaking out here
that my life seems to be closing in on halftime
and I am just still this kid trying to figure out how it all works and I am scared
of not
doing
all the things I thought I would do
cause life is wooooooshing by
and there is still so much for me to say and do and fly
and the daily humdrum is just taking up so much of my precious time and the days just blend to one another like a pancake batter all a blur

and I don't want to think so much
and I don't want to be afraid
and I want to walk barefoot
and I want to be colorful but I also just want to wear plain clothes and not worry about it

and I want to be the change
and I want to hide in nowhere land and grow veggies and goats and chickens and my children
my beautiful children
I think that's the best part so far
cause they are just magnificent
sparkly beings that I get to spend time with
and yes they are a midget sized royal king and queen that constantly NEED
and yet
and yet they are magic

I know I know
I have plenty of years to do stuff
I just suddenly feel that they might pass me by without me actually truly living them