Monday, October 17, 2016

Shake it up baby

In the car alone
With a vanilla milkshake
At home I am NEVER alone
And I feel the need to break
Things

Frustration overflowing
And then my boy comes walking
And I dont wanna frighten the lil guy
Like my mama with her slammed-door- anger so I try
To calmly kinda smile
Volcano inside
You want some rice on the side?


A Woman and a Mama
How I wanted to be a mama
But didnt realize how much I was gonna

Disappear

Im still here inside
The one that chose this specific ride
I dont want a refund or a ticket back
Just alot

more space on the road

To dance
Or explode






Tuesday, March 08, 2016

Thankyou world
for me sitting in the sun painting a drawer in blues and greens while the crazy birds tweet funky tunes while my baby daughter sleeps in her hammock while my boy walks the forest.

Thursday, March 03, 2016

Mama's New Look

I found the scissors!
Ok
Now in front of the mirror
Look and stay
And SNAP
She is on my back
I bounce
OH
what a dunce!
I cut too much
now it's a weird
homemade sluntch..

I imagine
They might laugh a bit
pat my shoulder
And I'll explain this shit
happened as she was on my back
Like that and whack......

But then
No one said a verse
And thats worse

And so I disappear..



You know those nightmares where you're naked and everyone laughs and points ..

Now in my late thirties
The same dream just worse

Nobody points


Sunday, November 01, 2015

It happened before..

Maybe if  I write it here
it will happen

unlike other projects
that shined so bright and
     faded in the daily humdrum

it came in the early morn
as I breastfeed my everhungry lil tiny one

I will create a small book of the stories I tell Naveh
with lil drawings too

Give it to him for his 3yr old birthday.

This is just so I will also have a reachable goal
a face awaiting

a chance for creation from within..
How I want this
as my new self emerges

amidst all that is happening as it is..


Saturday, November 22, 2014

soul-o

on the road
alone in the car
on the way to a weekend of pure dancing
watching the desert view from the window
I can suddenly truly think about it
I live in Mitzpe Ramon now
hmmm
go figure

And there
on my own
I roam
(didn't do that in a while.. that kind of aimless wander..
everything has been sooo mindful, oriented, mission-based, well..)

Here (after finding an amulet of creation)
I see pure joy
in African music
in symbols of truth
trust and ease between strangers
good warm food

I want to create
I was born to create
not just to survive
not just to fulfill needs
of the house
of my sweet boychild

I was born to create


Friday, June 20, 2014

thoughts on Death and Dying

Each of us is born with

A spirit
Sacred name
Clan or nation
Gifts or talents
Destiny in which we will face many challenges

Four stages in the journey of the human spirit

Birth
Life
Death
Afterlife


I would like to talk with my family about death mine and theirs.
I want it to be present as a possibility – known and spoken
Sure its scary but it should also not hit us as a complete surprise – it is a reality anytime anywhere
I would like the knowledge to be out in the open
     not locked away shoved in a back drawer of the mind...

I can embrace life and loved ones knowing our time is inevitably limited.
Enjoying truly what is. Now.




Thursday, January 30, 2014

Pancake panic

I'm so into have to's
I wonder what to do now that I have some free time on my own
how do I maximize it?

Whats the very very extremely best thing I could do with this precious thing?
So..
I've fulfilled one craving already -
Salty Bulgarit Pancake
Yummmmmmmmmmmm

Now what?
Go home
Go to Haifa
Stay at parents house and watch dumb TV
?

I had a stressing test this morning and I think I did ok
So I wanna celebrate
loosen up
relax before I get back to my own personal humdrum
Order an Ice cream before I go?

ahhh
the grand dilemmas of life..

Thursday, January 16, 2014

She-lizard

So on my bed
a she-lizard

at first I cry out
Look!
and I'm sure she'll be gone in a moment
But the moment extends and it seems like she feels fine just here
and I can breastfeed my beautiful boy
while quietly
watching her movement
small
slow
twists of the head
arms extended

These last 6 weeks I've been watching the wonder that is
my child
Have I ever spent so much time looking at one thing?




Monday, December 23, 2013

sick trick

through my muffled brain
some things that eluded me before become clear
the small quirks of light sickness..

It's been quite a while now since I've thought as a singular entity
what do I want? is camouflaged by what would be most beneficial now.. easiest for everyone
and by everyone its mostly family..

Sure. I'm married a mother so this is to be expected
and yet
there is a phase that is missing
I would like first to figure what I want
THEN make adjustments if needed

I need an inside place that is still all mine
my own

and If you know me even a bit the usual - "that's the way it is now"
will not be accepted




Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Time Crime

I am wasting my time
That is what I'm doing now
Why is that such an offence?
And against who?
When is it that time is used in a wonderful efficient way?
Tasks - check check
Working – oh I’m so busy! Phonecalls phonecalls I'm important I'm swamped
OH you wouldn’t believe how hard I worked today
Check check check just 23 more things on the todo list!

Oh yes the fulfilled life is exhilarating
Doing doing doing from breakfast (who has time!) till late night shlumping on the bed

Nope not for this here girlie
She be home
She be doin not’in
And trying truly trying
To find the place within her
That feels completely at peace
With not accomplishing

Try this
         “So tell me dearest, what did you do today?”
         “Well today, you see today, today –
I DID NOTHING”
 –      “oh. Are you ill dear?!”
         “Noooooothiiiinggg I wanna do nothiiiiiiiing
I wanna BE and not to DO
I want to be free
Without the guil-ty
How come there’s no movie
Praising the non-doing life
(vacation does not count because it is a solidifier of the doing life – you wanna do nothing? go on vacation! Then bring your ass back here and work work work soldier! You want to eat don’t you? And send you’re future-not-yet-existing-kids to college right? So don’t slack for a minute!.... lalalalalife goes on)”


         “oh.”



Wednesday, July 31, 2013

I am in the last few days
bidding farewell to my long hair.
yes

I have been going through life changing events
like Giving Birth
Motherhood
Creating a home

but this drove me to write
those big ones are so vast
I can't actually put it down in words
don't truly think I grasped it yet..

But small revelations
that I can write

Soo.. my hair
It is as long as its ever been
or surely in the last two decades of my life
and I feel growing the need to go back to short-short

and this realization
brings with it new love
new appreciation
for these spaghetti strings
that hang about with no actual contribution
to all the various tasks at hand..

there is just this need again
to be simple
direct
and bare
honest
inside out




Thursday, February 14, 2013

I C

So this is the thing
we gotta be crazy

yes

crazy

we are afraid
afraid to be weird
to be looked at
out of line

fear decides our next step

keep SAFE
look around take cues
don't offend
don't step out
don't shout out
don't speak truth

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!

your rules suck
your politness is meaningless
I fart in your general direction
I feel your pain
I see your boredom

I see what you are really inside
and it is so much
MORE






flying lessons

Driving
hear this buzzz
 it's a fly a common fly thats been in the car for maybe a very long time I feel his distress I sense my annoyness at the constant bzz and I open both front windows wiiiiiiide open

 - "Here you go buddy you're free now fly like a bird or a fly or a dragonfly.."
 - "Bzzzzzzzzz"

 He keeps circling on the front window
He sees the open horizon as I zoom through the endless Kfar Yasif and he yearns to be back out there with the wonders of the world all those exciting garbage piles and stenching possibilities out in the wild
so he keeps smashing his multi eyes at the front screen of the tumbling vehicle not at all realising he got such wiiiiiide exits just to the left n the right

 - "Come on minimal brain with wings move your miniscule butt to the vertical and free yourself from this confinement"
 - "Bzz..bzzzzazzzzz"

 I start to wonder this creature small and simple yet surely with some survival skills
 and yet so dumbfounded at this very embarassing crisis.. do I also do this? Do we also do this?
 Keep on knocking hopefuly on a nonopenable door expecting matters to change if we persist if we try harder.. when in fact just a few cm to the horizantal would set us free

 Is it that simple ?
 Sometimes it might be

So lost in thought was I that I missed his moment of victory
was it chance or an AHAA moment?

 I will never know


bellydance

Why am I here writing?

I should be out in the world

DANCING

shit


Sometimes just sometimes
I wanna be a woman
and
not
a
big belly

I love him truly
(unborn and already wonderful)


but
what
about

me?!!?

fuck it Purim I dance
and you better be ready lil guy

Monday, May 14, 2012

cloudreams from the 4th floor apartment

I miss Idly
these small dense bits of cloud
(rice flour)
that crumble-melt gently in your morn-noon breakfast
by a cart
by a lazy river
smiles of mother and daughter by the cart
I sit on a plastic chair by the road
spicy coco sambar
red shirt and big hat


















and life awaits..



Thursday, April 12, 2012

Me me and the dolce

So much has been in these last months
Im so happy
I think

We came back
WE
from many wonders too
and then this coming back thing
its truly very much in-a-nutshell
hmm

confusing

I might start working next week
we might find a house next week
we're planning our future...


It's good it's real good 
what I wished for is happening now


and then (sorry folks here's the truth:)
I sit here mostly in the house by the comp
getting lost in youtube or my files
or a book
the usual story
except maybe less stress


maybe just
learning the beauty of
no the sweetness of 
doing nothing


La dolce far niente


Thursday, November 03, 2011

The depth of Fare wells

last days here
time of goodbyes

to see this life without me
in it
still working moving growing
while I'm far far by the grand mountains

this was so much MY LIFE
now I let go slowly
letting go is such a really darn difficult gift


man!


Friday, October 14, 2011

A few years ago I had the option
It was all very clear and possible
Me in the midst of my Masters study
with
a good man
good education
good income
and a bit nuts to still keep my interest..

But under the surface
there were some untruths hidden
cracks within the perfect lil bourgeoisie picture

and I chose to not get lost in there

I guess I just didn't realise it would take this long
to be found..

I hold no regrets
on my decisions
just been wondering
how much more

searchings to find
truths within another

Sunday, September 11, 2011

it's been a long time


she walks.. but doesn't really feel the ground
her heart beats beats
the grin is there
almost hurts

bursting

sparkling sweetness
goddamn overflowing
run
jump
and she still can't believe
how lucky she is

to really feel THIS

I never felt magic crazy as this..




thank you


Monday, August 22, 2011

Imagication















You are so rich
you have your imagination

SEE IT HERE

and believe me...


And yes there is a reflection here
as my floors are now boxes and books and clothes

piling up like new
high rises
in a developing country

that is
when ever I manage to get away from
the ferocious beast of

Comp Distractions!